Yearning for Loneliness

"Alone, yet not alone! If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior's spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship. If thus thrown back upon your own soul, alone, all alone, in the midnight, in the bush, in the very embrace of death itself, have you a Friend that will not fail you then?"

This quote was written by John G. Paton, a missionary to today's Vanuatu in the South Pacific. He writes this when he was all alone after losing his wife and child and now surrounded by hostile natives as he hid in a tree. These words are absolutely breathtaking and make me envious of that close connection with God.

One of the biggest things I am worried about with this move is the feeling of loneliness the first little while when I don't have friends. I am a person that thrives on interactions with other people so this move is totally uncomfortable and scary for me. I know that this is what God wants for my life. He has provided exponentially for me and blessed me in innumerable ways through this whole transition time.

Yet the one thing I keep thinking about is how lonely I will be. I am SUPER blessed with fantastic parents who love the Lord and constantly seek after Him. They truly are my best friends. I have so many amazing friends that are true lights in my life, that encourage me and correct me and speak truth in to my life. I am so sad to think that I can't just call them up to meet for coffee or go on walk.

Yet I think this time will be amazing for my growth with God. I read the words of Paton and see that he has never felt more close to God than when he was completely alone. All the blessings in my life are amazing but when they are blocking my intimacy with Christ, they become idols. Once these luxuries are stripped away, I am praying that God will grow me in ways I could never have imagined!

There are so many examples of people meeting God when they are away from others. Moses on Mount Sinai, Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. I am not saying that God doesn't show up when we are with others (quite the contrary), but there is something so intimate about being completely alone with your Savior.

So while these next few weeks will be very difficult for me, I pray that God will use this time to let me know Him more. I pray that He will teach me to yearn for Him and then realize that loneliness is such a minor suffering compared to the glory that He will reveal.

I also want to challenge everyone who isn't in a transition period. God will reveal things to you if you take the time to learn them. Making time to be alone is a priority for growth. Whether it be taking an hour or so out of your week to just sit and be with Christ or taking a mini vacation from technology and the world, do it! I pray that you can say with boldness "If it be to glorify my God, I will not grudge to spend many nights alone in such a tree, to feel again my Savior's spiritual presence, to enjoy His consoling fellowship."

Casting My Net to the Right

"Jesus said to them, "Children, do you have any fish?" They answered him, "No." He said to them, "Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some." So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish." -John 21:5-6

My boat is full. Its overflowing. Capsizing from the amount of fish. And thankfully I can say it is all God's doing. He has supplied and given so much and then some in the blessing department. I have been floating along thinking that I had it all and was doing it all. Then Jesus comes along and says "Hey, lets try it my way just this once and see what happens." WHAM! Blessings beyond compare.

I am so excited to announce that I will officially be moving to New York City in June!! As mentioned in my previous posts, God has been laying this on my heart for a little under a year and half now. I finally surrendered and said "Ok God, do with my life what you will." (If you know me, control is one of the absolute biggest struggles in my life so doing this took A LOT!!!) And God has given me a heart that longs to reach those in NYC. I am so excited about this next chapter in my life.

This whole process has been nothing but blessing after blessing from God. If you ever have doubted the power and supremacy of Christ, let's sit down and have a conversation about this whole process. Many of those close to me have seen me cry and question and wrestle with God over this decision. Yet through the whole process, God has proven Himself more and more faithful (I am so undeserving of this!).

I am so saddened to close this chapter in my life. I am blessed beyond measure with my family, friends, and co-workers. Each and every one of you have shaped me in to who I am today. I look forward to continuing our relationships, just a little bit farther away.

More than anything, I pray as you read this that you realize how much this is God and not me. He has been more than gracious to shower His blessings and grace on me during this time. He has shown me that His will and timing are so much greater than mine. I pray that you would dare to ask God what is next for you. I pray that you would ask Him how you can be used and where you can be used. More than anything, I pray you become closer to Christ. That you are so wrapped up in Him that your life is nothing but a reflection of Him. That your life leads others to Christ, wherever you are!

Listen to Christ and put your net on the other side of the boat!

“Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.” -A. A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

There is no better quote that embodies my life, my emotions, my thoughts right now. I am so excited about what is to come. I know that no matter what, God is about to do big things. But honestly, I am truly cherishing and loving this waiting time, this anticipation. Right before I am about to eat my coveted jar of honey. This moment.

This post has been prompted by the fact that I am going next week to visit NYC. I am going with 3 dear friends and we are going to explore the city. Two of them have never been and I can't wait to show them the city that has stolen my heart. I get giddy over the thought that this may not be the only time I get to show my friends around the city.

Through this whole process God has been growing me and teaching me so many things. He has been pointing out sin in my life (painful), pushing me to rely totally on Him (comforting), and making me fall in love with the promises in His Word (hopeful). Truly, God has been nothing but faithful to me during this time of transition. I literally can't remember another time in my life where I have been so challenged and pushed in my faith. The process has been painful, agonizing, and many-a-tear have been shed. Yet through it all God has taught me so many valuable lessons.

Reading this may seem like my life has been so terrible-how has this time been sweeter than honey? I have never felt so close to Christ. His goodness. His faithfulness. His hope. God has through His grace given me a new life and I am so excited to show others of this new life. So terrible is not the word. Faithful, gracious, loving are definitely words.

So yes, the future will be amazing. But right now, the moment right before you stick your hand in the jar and eat the honey, this is the time I am treasuring. This is the time that I am growing and learning and falling even more in love with Christ. And I know that God is faithful to not let this be just a moment, a blip in my humdrum life. I know God will continue to grow me and use me.

"A Journey of a Thousand Miles Must Begin With A Single Step"

So my thousand miles has already begun but I know I am barely in to this journey. I am starting this blog as a way for you to keep up with this journey that God is leading me on. This journey is one that is leading me to New York City, to Washington Heights in the upper part of Manhattan. This journey is one that is leading me from the hills of East TN to the busy streets of NYC. This journey is one that only God could have orchestrated, one that has only one compass- Him.

This whole journey started about a year and a half ago when I first started praying about how God would possibly use me after I finished with my 3-year contract at my current job. I was certain that God wanted me to move to some hut in the remote jungles of Africa. And to move to huts, time and preparation are needed. Therefore, I started praying about how exactly all this would come to fruition. And it was in that process that God showed me that He has a completely different plan for me.

During this time of praying and searching, God gave me many signs to let me know that Africa isn't what is in store for me at this time. After prayer and discussion with my accountability partner, she encouraged me to search for other mission opportunities. We looked at the NAMB (North American Mission Board) website, and they were featuring NYC that day. I laughed because to me, being a missionary meant living somewhere you hated, giving up the pleasures of material things, not knowing the language, etc. Never in a million years would God call me to live in a city that my family had come to LOVE over the years. The city my family vacations to. The city that has many sports teams that my family cheers for. The city that is full of culture and life and opportunity that I adored. Never would God call me to somewhere like this. Never.

Wrong. Through much prayer and seeking the wisdom of others in my life, I realized that God is calling me to the city that my heart has loved for many years. God is calling me to minister to the city that my heart yearns for. God has been preparing my heart for this for years. But what would it look like for me to minister to a city like NYC?

The huge focus for NAMB right now is church planting. They are all about living, being, working in a community. Through building community they are urging to plant churches in the cities where Christ is desperately needed. Since I am not a male, not married, and have never been to seminary, I am not necessarily qualified or equipped to start a church. I am however qualified to live in a city, work in a city, live in community in a city, and support a church plant that has already been established in a community.

So that is exactly what I am going to do. I am going to live in the Washington Heights area, work (hopefully) in the Washington Heights area, get to know my neighbors in the Washington Heights area, and go to church in the Washington Heights area. And ALL of this is because of Christ.

I am not one to make a big move like this to a big city, away from my parents, not knowing anyone, taking a huge leap of faith with finances and housing. So all of this is Christ. I am currently in the process of applying/interviewing for a job. There is a certain job that recruiters called me about asking me if they could put my application in for. If it works out, it is TOTALLY a God thing. (I'll let you know more when I find out).

The big thing that God is teaching me in all of this is that He is in control. He knows what is best for us even when it doesn't make sense at the time. He is working all things out to fulfill His ultimate purpose in our lives-to bring Him glory. I pray that through this whole process God is glorified. Even if this is an Abraham-giving-Isaac-as-a-sacrifice type of situation, I pray that I give God all the glory and that I have the faithfulness and willingness of Abraham.

I will close with a quote from one of favorite books. "The will of God is for you and me to give our lives urgently and recklessly to making the gospel and the glory of God known among all peoples, particularly those who have never even heard of Jesus" - David Platt in "Radical"