My Passport is Having an Identity Crisis

Home is where the heart is...

I hear this quote all the time and for those of us who have our heart in two places, home is hard to identify. I sometimes fear that people think that I have forgotten Tennessee or where I came from or the friends that ingrained themselves in my life for the first 25 years of my life. This post is an honest post but will hopefully reflect a heart that is learning that my home is in no physical place but a Person.

More recently, I have truly been missing Tennessee. I miss my family, my friends, the mountains, cars on the open highways. I miss Southern accents, sweet tea, fireflies, UT football. I miss bake sales, campfires, Dollywood, lakes. I miss slowing down, porch swings, mowing lawns, Rocky Top. I miss familiar. I miss my roots.

The misnomer I've been feeding myself is that it is not ok to miss Tennessee. Tennessee is where I grew up. Its what shaped me in to who I am. Its where I met Jesus. Its where my family is. Its where I met some of my absolute best friends in the whole world. Tennessee isn't a bad place. Its home.

This feeling of missing home has come more recently from missing out on big events in friends lives. I hate missing weddings. I have yet to hold my cousin's new baby. I am missing seeing people grow up, go to school, get married, have kids. I miss being in people's lives, living every day with them.

While desiring to be in people's lives isn't a bad thing, dwelling in the past and not enjoying the here and now is. Missing TN so much has caused me to step back and detach from my here and now. I am starting to see all the ways I don't fit in here. People here have families, a past, history, roots. Its hard to not feel like an outsider sometimes.

Up until this point, this post seems very bleak. Hard to see the light in this post. But wait! There comes a moment when I stop believing the lies that I keep telling myself and listen to my Home. How truly blessed am I that I have not one but two places I can call home? I have 2 sets of people in my life that love me and speak truth in to me? I am known by 2 groups of people. I tend to look at all the big events I am missing out on but fail to see the day-to-day miracles happening all around me. And how selfish of me to think the world should stop since I moved away.

NY is my new home. There are people here that have changed, shaped, challenged, and loved me in ways I never knew before. Ways I might never had known if I had stayed in TN. I love both places. More than anything. The people in both places have my heart. And even those who have scattered themselves out to NJ, Boston, and even England. How blessed am I?

My true citizenship though was never meant to be TN or NY or CA or Paris. "But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." -Philippians 3:20. This longing in my heart is normal. Its supposed to be here. My heart was never meant to be satisfied with TN or NY. My heart was meant to be satisfied in heaven, in the presence of the Creator of the universe. So while there are glimpses of heaven here on earth in relationships and people, our heart's full satisfaction is found in Christ, in Heaven.

My prayer for all of us is this- Love well where you are. Love those here and now. But don't ignore those who love you but aren't in your every day life. Pray for those who are far away. Pray for those who are missing family. Pray that those in your life would know that Home is a person and a place not here on earth. Our longings shouldn't be ignored but should cause us to be kingdom-minded.



(Disclaimer: I didn't write this to make anyone in TN or NYC feel bad or in some way guilty. I hope it encourages you to love others and pray for others.)

Un Año Abajo, Toda Una Vida Para Ir

One year down, a lifetime to go. Celebration and reflection are the two words describing how I am feeling today. One year ago today I packed up a moving truck and moved to the Big Apple from East TN. All I can do is celebrate. And thank. And reflect.

I tend to be someone who finds a song that can pretty much describe my mood/feelings so this post will be done in songs to describe what this year has meant/done for me.

 I had an instant love with this city. They were truly giving me good vibrations. I loved everything about it. Frank says it best in this song (cliche I know). But really. I loved it. The people, the sites, I really was super green. NYC could do no wrong.

And then reality set in. I moved to a place that is the total opposite of what I had known. I moved to a place where I didn't speak one of the dominant languages, working in an urban ER, going to a church that did things differently than I was used to. The shock was settling in. What had I gotten myself in to?? Bastille uses amazing drums and gregorian chant-type BGVs in this song to pretty much describes how I had to make it through some days.

 But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You've been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

-Bastille "Pompeii"

And then something happened. I let Jesus come in and help me call this place home. I don't remember the day or a specific moment but these people, this place? Its home. These perfectly imperfect people who I had come to know and love were now family. We celebrate eachother's differences and see the beauty in the things that unite us. The people at work have brought nothing but joy to my life. We have a comradery that knits us in to eachother's lives like not many other experiences can. My job brings a lot of exhaustion and stress but it is one of the most rewarding jobs I've ever had and my coworkers are some of the most interesting and amazing people I have met.  

And my CCF fam? I can't even begin. No word for the way you have welcomed me in and made me feel at home. You are my best friends and brightest parts of my week. Thank you for loving Jesus faithfully and loving me well.

To my Tennessee and New York friends and family, you are home.

I will never be a stranger
I will never be alone
Cause deep inside of me I know that
Wherever you are is home

-Dave Barnes "Home"

There is something beautiful about home and being known. More recently I have been reflecting on what it means to be known and to know God and others. Psalm 139 is one of those chapters that reminds me that I am known and loved. 

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar. 

 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.

To be known like that is scary but beautiful! How comforting to know that I don't have to put on an act for God. I can be 100% myself. And the goal of community is to be that way as well. The people in TN know me. And thankfully, I can be that way with people here now. I could go on and on about how amazing knowing and being known is (and how beneficial it is for the kingdom) but that's another topic for another day. Just know that I love that I am known here!

Now on to the less serious stuff. The things I have learned/how I have changed.

1. Un Poquito Espanol

  I am in no way a Spanish expert but I am slightly surprised at the vocabulary I have picked up. Especially medical spanish. And I really am trying to learn mas (more). Immersion truly is the best way to learn a language. And now the only song I know completely in Spanish- La Bamba

2. Snitches Get Stitches

 This is hood lingo/lessons I have learned. Other words include "Salty" (mad about something), "Brick" (super cold outside), "bae" (significant other), "What you not gonna do is" (self explanatory), "Ratchet" (crazy person, esp a girl). These are a few terms that seem to have found their way in to my vocabulary for better or for worse. I won't post the whole song but obviously I have to represent my hood.

So tell me where you from? Uptown, baby, uptown, baby

3. Public Transportation

 I sold my car right before moving here and now I can't remember what it was like to own one. Its nice not having to stress about parking spots and gas. But with that you are completely reliant on others to get you from Point A to Point B even if they take you to Points C, D, E, and F before getting there. Shoutout to the MTA though for getting me there most of the time.

4. Sleep

 Something I don't get enough of or when I do, it's at the oddest hours. I work night shift now so you can almost guarantee sleep doesn't happen. I find myself going over to friends' houses to hang and falling asleep on their couches. I know this sounds weird but I feel like that's another way I have grown more comfortable around others. I trust them not to write silly things on my face while I'm sleeping (don't get any ideas). Oh John, thanks for writing this song about sleep.

Well, I am going to close this with my cliche New York song. One that embodies the great city I live in. I know this is all over the place but that seems to be my life recently. I love this place and am so thankful that God placed me here. I am also thankful for the supportive family and friends I have back in TN.

Empire State Of Mind

Dwell on (True) Beauty

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” -Marcus Aurelius

I was recently asked by someone from Tennessee how I find beauty in a place that seems to lack the mountains and nature and open spaces that I had grown accustomed to finding beauty in. I loved this question and needed time to process and really discover what beauty meant to me and then how to find it.


Beauty (Dictionary.com):
1. The quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

Now going by this definition, I will never be able to accurately express how someone individually could find beauty because beauty is different for each person. What I think is beautiful may be totally different from you. You may hate the color yellow while my entire apartment has a yellow theme. And let's face it, if all of us liked the same thing, what a boring and dull place this would be!

By this definition I will answer the question and then by another definition I will define beauty. Back in the heart of the Appalachian Mountains, beauty was easily seen in nature. In the rolling hills, the green grass everywhere, the changing leaves, the wildlife, beauty was tangible. Something all of my 5 senses could participate in. East Tennessee is beautiful! And of course you can have endless bonfires (PS bonfires are my love language.) This picture was taken at the last bonfire I attended before moving and I wish I could just bottle up this moment forever. It was spent with friends sharing stories, eating smores, laughing, listening to music, and enjoying Jesus. This is Tennessee to me.

But let me give you a glimpse of some of the natural beauty I have seen here in New York.
The skyline at night: Breathtaking

The beach (which is just a subway ride away)

Central Park in the snow: Gorgeous

And a little closer to home, Washington Heights

And a short drive away in New Jersey, I can see this:

Outdoor beauty is totally possible here. There may be no rolling hills but there sure are sights and sounds that awaken my heart and reveal God's masterpiece.

But to me, beauty is much more that a pretty sunset or a nice skyline. I find beauty in the people here. Now you are thinking "Well duh, you live in fashion capital of the world. Models and celebrities are everywhere." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross says it best when describing beautiful people.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Beauty here is often in the most unlikely of people, in the most unlikely of places. I find beauty in people and their stories, not in their outward appearance. While I believe that yes people looks-wise are beautiful, even the Bible says there is more than just outward beauty.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, 

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Proverbs 31:30

When I see and hear how people have lived and grown and struggled, I see and hear what a beautiful story that God is painting. I see every brush stroke of their lives contributing to some grand masterpiece that will be displayed for all to see. The most beautiful thing in life we can do is to point to the most beautiful thing-the Gospel. The paintings of our lives will look messy during the process, often times we may question the direction of the painter. But when the Gospel pallet comes in and takes over the artwork, God is seen and nothing, absolutely nothing, is more beautiful than He.

So as you read this I challenge you to do 2 things. #1-Go outside and enjoy the beauty that God has painted before you, whether it be rolling hills, rolling tumbleweeds, or rolling subway cars. Whatever your surroundings, find God. The second thing I want to challenge you with is this-find beauty in others. Find it in the pain, the heartache, the messy. Find it in the happiness, the success, the joy. But most of all, see that the beauty in others is really a beauty that comes from something far more beautiful than they. Look to the painter and ask Him to come in and paint you with new colors you never thought possible.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious

1 Peter 3:3-4

 

 

What I Learned from Aslan

"'If there is anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" asked Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he is good. He is the King, I tell you.'"  -Excerpt from "Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis

For those of you who know me, you know my intense love for all things C.S. Lewis, in particular the character of Aslan. This quote is one of my absolute favorites from the series. And this quote can sum up my whole time in NYC. Scratch that, my whole life.

If you have never had the extreme pleasures of reading the "Chronicles of Narnia", I implore you to do so. These books were truly used to bring me closer to Christ. The character of Aslan is the representation of God throughout the series. And let me tell you. Even the mere mention of the name Aslan around me and the waterworks turn on. I just love how he embodies all these different characteristics of God which ultimately leads me to praise the true God.

Now, to the real reason I am writing. I think often times we as Christians, myself included, think this whole following Christ thing is going to be rainbows and butterflies. The fact is, being a Christian means we are guaranteed heartache, trials, and pain. Just read 1 Peter 4:12-19 "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you. But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler. Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name."

As you read this, do not think "Oh my goodness has her time in NYC been all heartache and pain?" Of course not! My heart leaps when I think about all the goodness that has been bestowed upon me. I literally cannot speak enough of the goodness of Christ here in my life. But let it be known, there have been hard times. Times that haven't been easy. Times that haven't been "safe" by the world's standard.

Take a look at this from a "what's safe" standpoint. Would the safe choice be to move from my family and friends and everything I have known to a city where I know no one, to a culture I am not familiar with, to a place where many people around me do not speak the same language as me? Thoughts of "safe" went out the door the second I unpacked the moving truck. (Disclaimer because I know my family reads this: I live in a safe place. But really nowhere is completely safe. If God wants something to happen, it will happen regardless of whether you are curled up next to your fireplace with your family in TN or in NYC. Another disclaimer, discernment must be used when doing things so you shouldn't be completely reckless with your life. Another discussion for another day but you get my point)

This move has been a huge leap of faith for me and one that couldn't have happened without complete trust that God is the one in control. There have been times that have been hard. Times where I have cried and questioned why God would put me through things. Times where I have terribly missed my family and friends from TN. But all that pain, heartache, suffering? I wouldn't trade a second. It has been for my good. It has always been for my good. He knows what's best for me and my heart. He gives and withholds knowing what is the most good for me and what will bring Him the most glory.

So yes, He knows what is good is not is not necessarily safe. But his good is always better than our good. And always remember, God's glory is our ultimate good. And fear not, you can trust God knows what he is doing when it comes to knowing what is good and what is not. For he is King.

"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again."